


Might not Awake Without You

by equalopportunityobsessor



Series: So You Were Never a Saint, and I've Loved in Shades of Wrong [3]
Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, I promise, Nothing explicit, references to drug abuse/overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 22:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1202644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/equalopportunityobsessor/pseuds/equalopportunityobsessor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's not so scared of driving Watson off that he thinks 'This will be the thing that makes her leave' before he does it... It's not until after that the panic sets in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Might not Awake Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Little warning here, dear readers. You may have noticed I upped the rating for this chapter. Nothing (I repeat, nothing) explicit, but there is a mention of drug abuse/overdose. Please respect your triggers.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

**< <Incoming Stimulus>>**

**Stimulus: Noise; Features: Consistent re: volume, duration, timing - Stimulus: Smell; Features: Antiseptic. Detergent (cheap, generic, strong). Perfume (floral, subtle, expensive, familiar) ANNOTATION: RETURN TO - Stimulus: Sight; Information irrelevant, conclusion reached.**

Conclusion: Hospital.

**< <Load memories>>** 

**Case. Status: Failed.**

**Drugs. Status: Obtained.**

**High. Status: Spectacular.**

**Crash. Status: <<ERROR>>**

**< <INCOMING STIMULUS>>**

"Sherlock? Are you waking up?"

**Stimulus: Noise; Features: Soothing. Familiar; ANNOTATION: RETURN TO -Perfume; Conclusion: Watson.**

**< <INCOMING STIMULUS>>**

**Stimulus: Touch; Features: Cool. Dry. Soft; Conclusions: Watson's hand in mine. Hasn't moisturized in too long. Environment has prompted increase in hand-washing per day.**

**Conclusion: Watson is worried.**

**Conclusion: I worried Watson.**

**Conclusion: I overdosed.**

"Sherlock, please."

Of course, Sherlock is helpless to open his eyes. Oh, she's really very angry with him. **< <ERROR>>**

Oh, she's really very _disappointed in_ him.

That's definitely worse. The silence stretches too long. She's meant to be offering meaningless platitudes: telling him to go back to sleep, calling the doctor. Since she's not, she must want him to talk, to say important things right away. Pity, popular culture led him to believe he would be spared this conversation until he was home again, at least.

"I must confess Watson, that after-" **< <ERROR ERROR REDACT REDACT>>** "What I did-" **< < _REDACT_ >>**"I didn't expect you to still-" **< < _REDACT REDACT_ >>**

Watson hears the words he isn't saying.

"My Companionship was contingent upon your sobriety. My Partnership was not."

If Watson's joy fizzes like bottled oxytocin, and her approval tastes like blueberries drenched in honey, and her anger corrodes like fluoric acid, and her disapproval feels like evisceration, then Sherlock would have been better off dead, because he doesn't care to test the hypothesis 'Can I live like this?'

"Perhaps it should have been."

"Yes."

Another long silence. Watson likes to yell. She likes to talk about her feelings. She believes wholeheartedly in "I feel…" statements and honesty that makes Sherlock's chest hurt, and she's not doing any of that right now, and _that hurts worse._

"Are you leaving, then? I can not honestly say I would be surprised if you decided to… but I would be honestly, genuinely-" **< <REDACT>> <<ERROR - _DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES REDACT, YOU BASTARD_ >>**"-devastated if you did."

"Why didn't that occur to you before the drugs?" Her voice is so empty. Worse than Mother's, worse than Father's, all those times they said - **< <"Busy, Sherlock, bother your brother" REDACT//"Sherlock, you're never going to worth anything if you don't learn to sit down and shut up for more than two seconds" REDACT//"Sherlock, why can't you just be normal" PERMANENT ENTRY  - SUBTYPE: BEHAVIOURAL MODIFICATION>>**

**< <Why can't you just be normal>>**

"The Work, Watson. The Work comes first. You know that."

**< <Why can't you just be normal>>**

"I'm not leaving."

  _Oh._

**< <PERMANENT ENTRY - SUBTYPE: PENDING REVIEW; Maybe, I don't have to be>>**

"Thank you, Watson-"

"Don't _thank me,_ this is probably the stupidest decision I have ever made in my entire life!" Her face is pale, except her exquisite cheekbones, which are flamingly bright. Her hair trembles with the force of her anger, and her dark eyes flash, and Sherlock has never seen anything more agonizingly destructive in his whole life, _and she's perfect_."You, Sherlock Holmes, are going to listen to me very carefully, because you are a _phenomenally_ stupid human being, and I cannot believe that you need me to explain this to you, but it's obvious that you do. I am not leaving because I _have nowhere to go_. Do you understand what that's like? Can you comprehend what that even _means?_ I am a grown woman, Sherlock, and a god-damned _over_ -trained professional, and I don't _remember what life was like without you_. Years, do you hear me, Sherlock, fucking _years_ of serving a passion, a brilliant higher calling and suddenly I realise that if you hadn't been here, _it wouldn't have been worth anything at all._ "

"Watson…"

"So don't thank me for being too goddamned _cowardly_ to choose to find out what life is like without you again. And don't you _dare_ make me find out the hard way. Don't you even think about doing that to me, Sherlock. You are not allowed to die." Her eyes meet his, and even if he thought for a second that he might wish to look away, he couldn't have done it.

"I'm hardly going to live forever, Watson… But, for whatever little it is worth… I've never done a thing in my life good enough to deserve your regard… But I shall try, for whatever is left of it, to never disappoint you in such a manner again."

They stare at each other for a while - a very long while, as the hospital thrums around them.

Sherlock can feel her heart beating, and wants to reach into her _chest_ \- achingly gently, exquisitely carefully - and wrap his hand around the organ - fingers over atria, ventricles cradled in his palm - to feel the singular beat against his flesh like the anticipatory fluttering of a bird preparing to take flight.

**< <ACTION: REVIEW ENTRY #5 "Why can't you just be normal?"; PREVIOUS STATUS: PERMANENT ENTRY - SUBTYPE: BEHAVIOURAL MODIFICATION; NEW STATUS: TO BE REMOVED - SUBTYPE: ERRONEOUS SUPOSITION;**

**EVIDENCE: JOAN WATSON >>**

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks so so much for reading! Please, comment with any love or suggestions!


End file.
